Sunday, November 30, 2008

"And I don't even know how I got off the track..."

I woke up early, considering it's Sunday. I have to go somewhere but I'm stalling.

I'm all ready to go. But I thought I'd surf first. There's an interesting blog  I found recently "about the successful integration of Humanity, Nature, and Technology". They find cool, non-uptight ways of saving the world. I found it from a link from Jason Mraz's official - whose journal I find amusing to read.

I'm all ready to go. But I thought I'd have a quick breakfast first. I reheated some leftover pizza and pasta that Luz and I kept in our ref. I microwaved the food, and - tadaah! Carbo-loaded breakfast. I discovered cheese and garlic pizza lose its appeal when you don't eat it straight from the box.

I'm all ready to go. But I thought I'd dry my hair first. It has gotten too long to be ignored but I STILL haven't had the time to get a haircut. Maybe during the Christmas break. They make fun of me at the office when I come to work with almost-dripping hair. I don't have a hair-dryer or anything so I turn on the fan and well - just sit around and listen to Weezer's The Good Life set on repeat mode in my Winamp. I love this song. It's been my LSS for most of the week. Except for that Wednesday when Paulo noticed that my status was from Sister Hazel's Your Winter. So senti, I know.

I'm all ready to go. But I though I'd write a quick blog on how I've been delaying the inevitable necessity of going home to an empty house in Antipolo. I'll make it quick. Dive right in. Do the errands, check if everything's ok. I'm hoping the silence won't be too loud. Damn, I really should get myself a portable music player. And bring Weezer with me wherever I go.

I'll be back in a few hours. Wish me luck. And all together now: "And I don't wanna be an old man anymore. It's been a year or two since I was out on the floor..."

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Life Snapshots (S01, E02)

Five o'clock. When early comers can already afford to slack off a bit since effort hours are complete and logout time is near. Dens, Paulo, EJ, and Lead Character are huddled around Dens's workstation.

DENS: Umamin ka na kasi sa kanya, Ate LC (LEAD CHARACTER).

PAULO: Oo nga, sabihan mo sya crush mo sya.


LEAD CHARACTER: Ano ba! Wala ako aaminin!

EJ: Is it the truth? Totoo yun! Is it fair to all concerned? Oo! Will it bring goodwill and better friendship? Oo naman! Is it beneficial to all concerned? Beneficial yun! Isipin mo. Pumasa lahat sa four-way test ng Rotary kaya umamin ka na. Baka magka-boyfriend ka pa at maimbitahan ka pa sa kasal ko.


DENS: Basta ako, EJ, imbitado na ako, ah.


PAULO: Ano ba ang conditions mo, EJ?


EJ: Magkaboyfriend si LC, o manalo ako Lotto, o manalo sya ng lotto.


DENS: O, ano ang easiest dun?


LEAD CHARACTER: Manalo ng lotto!


Peals of Laughter from the guys (succeeding occurrences of which will be referred to as: POLFTG).

Sir Roy overheard the whole conversation and couldn't stop himself from joining the POLFTG.

LEAD CHARACTER: Tingnan nyo, natatawa si Sir Roy sa inyo. Sir Roy, Di daw po kasi ako iimbitahan ni EJ sa kasal nya kung di ako manalo sa lotto or wala akong boyfriend.

DENS: Ayan, tamang-tama! Manghingi ka ng tips kay Sir Roy!


SIR ROY: Bibigyan kita tips - number 4, number 7, number 20... Lotto tips.


Uproarious POLFTG.

SIR ROY: Kailan ka ba ikakasal, EJ?

EJ: Medyo malayo pa naman po.


SIR ROY: Malayo pa pala, LC. May panahon ka pa.


LEAD CHARACTER: Opo, may panahon pa po ako. Tataya ako araw-araw.




Wednesday, November 19, 2008

The Breakfast Club

I’ve resolved to not skip breakfast anymore. So for the past few weeks since I came back from leave, I try to wake up early to get to the office before 9 and have breakfast before starting the day’s workload.

I have the pleasure of sharing the “most important meal of the day” with three guys: EJ, Paulo, and Dens. They are the ones who arrive at the office earlier than me. Sometimes, I eat with only one or two of them. But whenever they’re in “full force”, my mornings start out with a good jolt.

These guys have made it a sport to find amusement in most things I do. They think it’s funny when I get startled, when I don’t get jokes, or when I yell “Let’s cross na!” when we go from Tektite to Pearl Drive. I let them have their fun, because honestly, I don’t really get annoyed with their wisecracks. And they know it.

It actually feels a little like having brothers with you all the time. Rambunctious and sarcastic brothers who never tire of teasing.

Breakfast is usually a rotation of McDo Sausage McMuffins, Jollibee longganisa meals, Dell’s tapsilog, or Hungry Hippo burgers. They’re not very healthy food, but the easy conversation and laughter we share over those couple of minutes equip me with good humor - or hope for good humor - for the rest of the day. That makes any greasy food healthy – emotionally, at least.

Although when they call me “girlaloo” – they know this gets my goat – I want to conk their heads.


Saturday, November 08, 2008

Childhood Dusks

I’m looking out the window and I’m reminded how I love dusks.

we were kids, we used to play patintero outside our old house in Pampanga. We’d start when the afternoon sun was not too hot anymore and we’d end just after dusk, when the sun had already set. Some days, we rode our bikes back and forth our quiet street.

There’s an old schoolteacher who lived right across us and whenever she came home and we’re playing outside, I’d yell her name at the top of my voice, “Dang Deeeeee!” She was very tolerant of us since she knew us as the polite kids in the neighborhood, despite my tendency of over-exuberant greetings.

My sister improvised this game of making molds out of muddy soil. She called it “bigak-bigak”. It has no etymology whatsoever. Its name was the least of our problems. We had worse problems of muddy hands, faces, and clothes after we played.

Our grandmother spent her afternoons playing a card game called kwaho with some of the other elderly people a couple of blocks away. They played for money – just loose change, yes – but still money. She came home usually when we were wrapping up our games or parking our bikes. We’d each have a balot whenever she had good winnings from the game. Yes, as a kid, I used to eat unhatched duck eggs. Because whenever Lola gave them, we’d be asked to eat them right then and there, when the sun was already down and we had no idea what we were eating.

A couple of years later, I’d have the misfortune of being too curious about the balot eggs and scrutinized them under the glare of a 40 watt fluorescent light. I didn’t care for the Pinoy delicacy too much after that.

When it got too dark, Mama would call us to come inside the house and prepare for dinner. We’d enter through the kitchen door and I’d make a little hop so I could reach the faucet and wash my hands. They’d be finishing cooking dinner by then. I distinctly remember the smell of sautéed garlic at dusk. Even now, whenever I come across that smell, I am taken back to those countless afternoons when I came home from playing and dinner was being cooked in our kitchen.

We’ve always helped out with chores. The menial task of setting the table seemed to have been always assigned to me. I think it was because I was too young to handle hot pots and pans. Although I remember being told that only by handling breakable plates more often will I ever be less clumsy and more careful. That didn’t work out too well. We ended up dining with mismatched plates and glasses because I usually broke one or two in every set. And until now, I’m still clumsy as hell.

Around dinnertime, TV Patrol would be on the television. It was not the TV Patrol World as it is today. Just TV Patrol. With now-Vice President de Castro leading the panel of newscasters with Mel Tiangco, the late Frankie Evangelista, and Angelique Lazo for the showbiz news. The news bored me then. Who would’ve thought that years later I’d be bored because I couldn’t have television news.

It’s officially nighttime now. I look out the window again and the lights of the buildings around Shaw Boulevard and the Ortigas Center are now lit up. Soon, I have to decide what I’ll have for dinner: fast food, reheated food, or instant food.

I suddenly miss eating balot.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

On Hold

I feel like I’m constantly trying to drive away something that slowly creeps in my soul. Something dark and clingy and repressive. I do not have a name for it. Or I do not choose to identify it for fear that it may grow stronger with its acknowledgement. No, I do not have a name for it; just the instinct to keep it at bay.

Most days, I keep it pacified. By reading books, listening to loud music, being with friends. I bombard myself with all the superficialities the material world can hope to offer. I get to convince myself that the world is a wonderful place. The future is bright. And everything is all right.

But it catches up with me sometimes. When I walk alone. When I lay awake at night. Sometimes when I close my eyes long enough, it corners me - this dark and clingy and repressive shadow. And it badgers me with images I don’t care to see or recall. With memories I’d rather forget but have to keep. With grief I have not given into.

I have a debt to pay with grief. I keep on stalling it, putting it on hold. But it patiently waits for me in quiet moments when I don’t have any other excuse and all I have left is my own soul, tired of moving around in never-ending circles, unable to find an escape.

It bothers me that every morning, I have to concede to myself that these moments of weaknesses come to me as they please. And make me pay up. I’d have run away, if I could. But in truth, I’m much too tired.

There isn’t a day that passes that I wish this weren’t all real. And that when it becomes too painful to bear, I’d be granted the mercy of waking up. To a wonderful world where the future is bright and everything is all right.

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

"Hush Now"

I am not used to seeing her like this. Wordlessly reclined on a chair, breathing with difficulty. It’s the quietness that unnerves me most. Her usual energy is now replaced by laborious movements. A few steps drains her so.

Her illness did not just take away from health; it took away from her whole person. She stopped talking to people and would decline even long distance phone calls from her siblings wishing to inquire of her wellbeing. How she loved to talk and to laugh. Laugh. Yes. Nieces and nephews would mimic her distinctly hearty laughter. And the way she ended her conversations with a melodious, “Okay, buh-bye!”

She never ran out of stories from her colorful life. And she never lacked of willing listeners. People sought her for her conversations, her lively company.

I see her now, frustrated at her own body. Seemingly angry at everything in this world because she couldn’t partake in the beauty of life as she used to.

I learned to speak to her in hushed tones. Without tension, alarm, or worry. To speak without sadness or impatience. Especially not sadness. I’ve mastered the art of monotone. Of having a calm bedside manner.

I learned how to get used to being woken up abruptly and acting as if I’ve been up for hours – no sleepiness in appearance, no hoarseness in voice, nor disorientation in behavior. On cue, I know her medication, from the milligrams, to the generic name, to the prescribing physician.

I learned to feign tiredness when I’m wide awake and she wants to turn in for the night; wakefulness when I’m sleepy and she wants someone to stay up with her. When it’s late at night and there’s nothing else on TV, “Ang Dating Daan” starts to become interesting.

I learned how to hold back my own tears whenever I ask her not to cry. To keep a steady voice despite of the creeping fear inside of me, while I assure her that everything will be all right.

I learned how to invoke in me enthusiasm for things that might cheer her up. I tell her funny anecdotes; watch her favorite soap operas with her; and plan vacations we’d take together. Her disposition seems to lighten up when I tell her we’d visit the province, go to the nearby beach, and eat freshly-baked warm bread by the shore just like we used to do on idle weekend afternoons when I was younger.

The thought makes her smile and it’s worth it.

This morning at the hospital while I was overwhelmed by the medical forms, the long queue, the insurance, and the bills, she tells me she needs to rest her head and catch her breath. I frantically look around for a waiting area, a couch, a seat, even considered the emergency room.

For a moment, I forget everything I’ve learned, and panic registers in my actions. She lays a hand on my arm and quietly tells me she’s sorry for burdening me with all these worries. Inside, I scold myself for causing the look of sad guilt on her face. I shrug off her needless apology and mumble something incoherent that I hope would pass off as a reply.

What I wanted to tell her, “I love you, Ma. I’m the grown up now. And I’ll take care of you.”

----

I wrote this a few months ago when my mother was still in and out of the hospital. She has been diagnosed with stage four lung cancer. She has been confined in the hospital for almost a month, has been in depressed consciousness for a week, and has been in the ICU for four days.


Please help pray for my Mama.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Precipitation

Every monumental turning point in my life is accompanied by rain. When I die, I am convinced that there will be a downpour. It will be the most appropriate ending to a life lived like a drenched person with an unused umbrella. How ironic. Or disgustingly accurate.

In any case, always check your local weather news.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

The Checklist

Lately, when I have enough free time, I find myself hearing mass during my lunch hour. Maybe it’s true what they say. People find Him especially when they’re in deep in sh*t. Well, those are not the exact words. Something more elegant sounding. But you get my drift. Besides, I don’t think there’s any indignity in admitting that I need help of a higher nature. Ultimate level of appeal, so to speak.

During weekdays, there’s a 12.15 mass at the EDSA Shrine. This is what I rush off to catch. I take an FX and walk the length of Galleria. I usually sit at the center-most back pew. I find peace in not being with anyone, not knowing anyone there.

The first reading today is one of my favorite chapters in the Bible - which I’m sure also a lot of people love. First Corinthians Chapter 13. Apart from its profound meaning, I like it a lot because it is well-written. Expressive. Succinct. Elegant. I’m sure even Strunk and White will commend St. Paul.

Maybe a lot of people think love is anything they wish it to be. I believe this chapter is the definitive checklist. When others ask me if what they’re feeling is love (you’d be surprised to know how many people volunteer this kind of personal information to me) – I just go back to this chapter. Is it patient? Kind? Jealous? Righteous? …

You’d be surprised to know how many people realize what they thought was love is actually heavily disguised pride. Or worse, selfishness. Ok, extreme example: Just think of any soap opera villain who is obsessed with the protagonist. Is that love? I think not.

I expect dissents, of course. But this is my opinion, and last I checked, it’s still my blog. And I run the risk of being thought of as a pedant or a prude. Sheesh, I suddenly feel like I’m ostracizing everyone. I’m just saying, it is a big deal. Love. Not just the romantic variety. Parental, platonic, patriotic – whichever. We should not just say it because it’s… cinematic. Heaven knows how much Hollywood has ruined our perception on things.

But that’s another story.

----

I Corinthians 13:1-13

"If I speak in the tongues of mortals and of angels, but do not have love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give away all my possessions, and if I hand over my body so that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.

"Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

"Love never ends. But as for prophecies, they will come to an end; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will come to an end. For we know only in part, and we prophesy only in part; but when the complete comes, the partial will come to an end. When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child; when I became an adult, I put an end to childish ways. For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then we will see face to face. Now I know only in part; then I will know fully, even as I have been fully known. And now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; and the greatest of these is love."

Sunday, September 07, 2008

Incorruptible Tomatoes

We have a long-standing science experiment in our apartment, Luz and I. It started the week we moved in. That is almost four months ago.

The primary subject of such experiment is (spotlight, please) a pair of tomatoes.

A brief background of this scientific undertaking. The tomatoes in question entered our lives as innocent vegetables (or fruits?) meant to be sliced and served with salted red eggs as part of an effort to escape the daily routine of dining in fastfood burger chains that serve unhealthy grease with every meal.

Somehow, amidst all the trouble of adjusting to a new place and in the hubbub of everyday living, the tomatoes were left forgotten in an inconspicuous corner of our table. It was probably in the fourth week that Luz noted that the tomatoes were still as fresh as the day she bought them. Without refrigeration, or any cling-wrap nor vacuum pack. Smooth, bright orange, unblemished.

Her first instinct is food irradiation. Mine is… well, I probably didn’t think too much of it, at this point. I was pretty convinced it would spoil soon. So we didn’t throw them out and just waited for nature to take its course. So weeks went by, and we just let the tomatoes be - a constant pair of orange orbs on top of our ref, quietly sitting between the pancake mix and its distant relative, a pack of tomato sauce.

After two months, this prolonged shelf-life can no longer be ignored. These freaky tomatoes were outlasting every perishable thing we put in our refrigerator. They were too weird to eat by now (who would want to eat something like those, anyway?) but too interesting to throw out. Eventually, we address them as “Ang Mga Mahiwagang Kamatis” and thus, the experiment commenced which aims to find a conclusion to the ultimate question:

How long will these tomatoes last?

Yeah, ok. Not very scientifically relevant. We wouldn’t find out the cause of its non-spoilage or the effect if we did consume them. But hey, these tomatoes may be freaky cool, but we actually have lives. Well, most of the time.

To make gazillions of money, Luz considers the idea of selling these tomatoes to Dr. Vicki Belo. Behold, a product of nature that unaffected by time, temperature, humidity, and the unkemptness of the studio apartment it resides in. Kept pristine by heaven-knows-what, with an unknown stubborness in not yielding to its decay . That’s up to the Belo Medical Group to find out.

Just this evening, Luz wondered aloud whether the tomatoes would last til Christmas. Asking why she wanted to know, Allen joked whether Luz was going to get them holiday presents.

I’m thinking a sweater. But something in a neutral shade. Very few colors go with orange, you know.

Thursday, September 04, 2008

Presently Missing

I woke up from the beep of an incoming text message. It is Saturday afternoon. I got home that morning and was exhausted from a week-long load of work, of non-work -- of life. Weekend afternoon naps are a luxury that I seldom get to enjoy.

It is a short message. "I miss u, Cee! L0ve u!"

Only my good friend Tago calls me Cee. He got this from reading "Atonement" where one of the characters is my namesake, Cecilia, but is nicknamed "Cee".

I reply, "We just saw each other this morning. :) But I do love you, too, Tags. Everything ok?"

Yes, I am a pessimist and a paranoid. I often assume the worst in everything.

"Yeah. Namiss lng kta. Hehe."

Aww. It was such a sweet thing to say and I was touched. I feel so blessed to have friends who sincerely care about me. The past couple of weeks - I feel like I've been drifting in and out of reality. Or ascending and descending levels of reality, if it is hierarchical.

To me, life becomes real in varied forms: in sleepless nights when I lay awake worrying, in church homilies I escape to during lunch hour, in the throbbing pain in my nape from leaning too close to the monitor, in an SQL package I am updating, in my mother's tender hand as I prick her finger for another blood test.

Reality is the moment when I realize I've been spacing out in too many conversations I am a part of. That I've been close to abusing my friends' patience and good humor.

"I miss just hanging out with you, Let's plan the next major group activity soon. :)"

He ends it with, "Agree!"

back. back. exit. keypad lock.

I try to remember old realities of less complicated days, temporarily available only in short Saturday afternoon naps.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Deathcatcher

Let me share with you a dream I had a couple of weeks ago. How I remember every tiny detail is freaky in itself, but if this kind of thing interests you, do read on.

I was part of a household. There was a married couple, the wife's elder spinster sister, and an old man - probably the husband's father. Their faces did not resemble anyone I know from real life. I lived with them in a second floor spacious apartment with an air of antique grandiosity. High ceilinged with tall french windows. The ladies wore long dresses and the men, coats.

One stormy night, when we were all gathered in the house's great room, the old man died. Outside, the winds howled. Rain poured hard with thunder and lightning. Soon after, there was a funeral and we buried the old man.

Some time after, I found myself looking out the street below from the window. I saw the ghost of the old man. The ghost helped save a young man from his death by pulling him just in time to escape being hit by a vehicle. Immediately after the act, the old man looked up at me through the window with intent gaze.

I blinked and he was right before me. The old man told me that he was not supposed to die. And the young man below the street would have also died if the old man were not around. I was told that I was the one who was supposed to die that night. Not the old man. And by consequence, neither did the young man.

He disappeared as suddenly as he came and I found myself alone in the great room. The sun was out. It was a glorious day outside. I was sitting down and just quietly taking in the cheerful sunshine. The sisters gaily walked in at that moment. They had their long wavy hair cut short and asked me whether I liked their new look. I smiled ad them and said they looked really nice.

The elder sister walked toward me, bent down, and gave me a hug. When she loosened her arms around me, I opened my eyes and found the room completely transformed. The brilliant day was replaced by a gloomy night, the bright sunshine with heavy rain. Everyone was present in the room, even the old man. I looked at the woman who just embraced me, and before my very eyes, her newly cut hair grew out to its original length. I realized that we all came back to the fateful night of death. The spinster's face became expressionless and in a monotonic voice she said, "This is how it was supposed to be."

And at that point, I couldn't breathe. I gasped and struggled for air. And they just all looked at me like an audience while I lay dying.

I swear I still felt the sensation of the embrace when I woke up. I sat up and hyperventilated for a while, ressuring myself that I could indeed breathe in this reality. I was shaken for a time. It still creeps me out when I remember it.

If there was a dream interpreter I could approach, I would have arranged for a consultation. With a condition that all analysis pertaining to extreme morbidity will be stripped to bare minimum and its correlation to my whole being will be downplayed.

Maybe all I need is a good authentic Native American dreamcatcher. With a deatcatching expansion pack.

Thursday, June 05, 2008

Bumming Around

I’ve been on leave from work the whole week. Kuya is leaving the country again in a few days and I wanted to spend the time so we could all be together as a family. Besides, I needed the rest. Not just physical rest. I just needed a break from the monotony. Among other things.

This break has also given me the chance to move in to the studio apartment I’ll be sharing with Luz. I start living there next week. We shopped for the things we needed last Monday. And it was like a mall walkathon. I met her around ten in the morning and we finished just when the malls are closing twelve hours later. The only times we got the chance to sit down was when we had breakfast, lunch, and dinner and the couple of minutes when we were in the cab and FX. No kidding. Imagine a calf muscle workout taken to the extreme. You’d think that we’d both be really worn out from all that, but it was fun because we had the chance to catch up. Besides, we both like walking. Although, after that much hours of walking, you’d think we’d reach a summit somewhere and not just the end of a taxi line.

Hunting for a suitable single bed took up a lot of our time. We hopped from mall to mall, store to store looking for an affordable and decent bed. Did any of you know that single beds can cost as much as P14,000? It’s as if the bed can transform to something else during the night. The weirdest incident during this whole bed quest was when one furniture clerk eyed us disbelievingly when he told us that they do not sell single sized beds. It’s as if he was wondering what’s wrong with us still looking for single beds when everyone else our age were already looking for queen or king sized ones, and - gasp! - maybe even cribs.

Anyway, I settled for a single bed frame made of black metal and dark wood. I can’t wait to move in so I could use it and of course, to spare myself from hours at the FX queue and in traffic. I still get to go home every weekends, so it’d be cool. Not-so-total independence. Somewhat pathetic, but at least not so overwhelming.

This week also gives me the chance to hang out with my siblings. We go shopping, watch DVD’s until the wee hours of the morning, make home-made pizza, and eat midnight snacks. Mama complains she doesn’t get the TV series we always watch, but then she starts playing Free Cell or Text Twist in the computer and promptly forgets about us. We don’t have household help right now so we take turns washing dishes, folding laundry, feed the askals.

It’s nice being home. I miss being with my family and seeing them without rushing off to work or without being too tired from work.

This whole bumming around thing will end soon so I’m making the most out of it by solving kakuro puzzles, tying my hair in pigtails and braiding them, and of course, boring you with my blog updates.

Sunday, May 04, 2008

Ink-Stained Pinkie

It’s 6.40 in the morning and my mother will disapprove if she finds out that I am here typing in front of my laptop instead of sleeping. And when I say “disapprove”, I mean that she will continuously nag me about abusing my health, especially my eyes.

Admittedly, she has good reason to be concerned. I just got home from yesterday’s work. I’ve been up for almost twenty-four hours, most of which are spent in front of a computer. Thus, my mother’s puzzlement on why I want to subject myself to more time in front of another one when I get home. But I don’t have the ability (ok, the patience) to point out the difference between writing a functional spec and writing a blog entry.

Two weeks it’s been like this. Monday blurs into Tuesday; Tuesday into Wednesday, etc. Each day’s end blurs into lifeless cab rides home with faceless drivers whom I mechanically direct with, “Kanan po tayo sa may stoplight” until I reach home where one of the members of our household with undisturbed circadian rhythm sleepily opens the front door to let in the transient of the house.

I’m like a ghost that drifts in and out of their everyday lives. Although, my mother tries to talk to me over breakfast, the only time she gets to spend time with me. In that span of couple of minutes while I feed on sunny side ups, she tries to tell me as much as she can about what has been happening. About anything, really – how our askal is being morose lately, the replaced faucet in the sink, our neighbor’s baby daughter, news of price hikes, her recent followed teleseryes, and whether Angel Locsin is worth all the media hype.

I wonder if she has a checklist somewhere of all the things she wants to talk to me about. There are times when she takes this serious tone and asks me about what my future plans are, about things that involve life-changing decisions. My sarcasm wants to kick in and just say that my goal is, although very short-term, is to have at least eight hours of sleep. Of course I don’t say that. I never want to cross my mother when she’s… Hmm, I never want to cross my mother. Period. I always give a noncommittal nod and assure her we’ll talk more lengthily when I’m sleep sober.

At work, I try to be a good scout. You don’t feel tired when the rest of your teammates who works harder and longer than you do continuously do what they have to do. You just have to do whatever you can and keep up.

But sometimes it catches up with you, that unnamed feeling that makes you yearn to be somewhere else and do some other thing. Dozens of occasions I promised myself that I’ll take a walk outside after I finish something. Just this, just after this, I swear I’ll go out for a walk. But early evening comes, and I end up being reprimanded by Liz, “Ba’t di ka pa umoorder ng OT dinner?!” She has that thing about me dining alone, no matter how I assure her I’d be ok. Although I appreciate it that someone tries to look out for me during these very long hours of work.

In the wee hours while waiting for raised issues, I try to write. Although I’m not sure how wise it is that I should admit that here. Misuse of company resources and all that. Although in my defense, I never get to write anything long and substantial. Once I started something which I tentatively named “Ink-stained Pinkie”. I got it after noticing that when I write with a pen, I always manage to smear some ink in my pinkie. The material never got finished and it’s just taking a resurrection here as a blog title. Sometimes I read ebooks in my workstation. Currently, it’s Madeleine L’Engle’s “A Wrinkle in Time”. Hmm, I don’t know how that would be any less a misuse of resources.

My mother walked in and in her own way, was very persuasive in making me unceremoniously cut this entry. I suppose posting this is as good enough as any, after a long hiatus. You’ll forgive the over-all blandness. After all, you can’t expect much from a swollen-eyed zombie, recently reprimanded by her own mother for being so stubborn.

--

I wrote this early last week but only got the chance to post it now. Internet withdrawal symptoms.

Saturday, April 05, 2008

040408

I woke up very early on the day I turned a year older - around five am, when it was still dark outside and everyone else was still asleep.

Hmm, come to think of it, I actually woke up at midnight because of two consecutive calls from my friends. Of course, both calls manifested themselves as Fuel's Sunburn.

"The sky was dark this morning / Not a bird in the trees / And silence hung suspicious and anxious / Like a blanket covered scream"

Not a very cheerful song to wake up to at the gloomy hour of midnight. This added to my disorientation when I answered. As a response to "Happy Birthday", I incoherently said, "Happy Birthday din." If I had my wits about me, I would've just added "... in August." But all I could manage was a glib "Ahm..." Anyway, that's why I didn't consider myself really awake at that time.

I heard mass at the Antipolo Cathedral before going to work. And I realized how much I missed going to church alone which I often did in college. When I got to the office, Dens loudly and FALSELY announced to everyone within earshot that I was thirty-two. (And for the record, I most certainly am not.)

The rest of the day went pretty much the same as any other working day. Although I had lunch out with a couple of my friends and we had donuts in the afternoon. When we got off work, a lot of us also had to go to the Pinatubo pre-climb meeting.

From that day's Our Daily Bread entry, there is a very comforting quote that I'd like to share in this post.

“Pray the largest prayers. You cannot think a prayer so large that God, in answering it, will not wish you had made it larger. Pray not for crutches but wings.” - Phillips Brooks

--

I'm taking the rest of this space to thank the people who made it a special friday. Tago, Gary, EJ, Dens, JC, Paulo, Karl, Tal, and Ryan - thanks for a very fun lunch. Luis and Oni, thanks for the Potatohead accessories; it's so fun! I now have a pirate and a princess! Yey! Special thanks to Miker and Robert for the very unexpected, thoughtful, and (literally) sweet gift. Also to Dale for the charming book of kids' photographs and an amusing commute home. To Luz who spend minutes of talk time just so I can tell her about my day. And to everyone else who sent messages and greeted me on my birthday. Thanks, guys. Know that everything is sincerely appreciated. ^____^

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

FX Aftereffects

It was already a bad indication when the FX driver ignored the “No U-turn” sign along J. Vargas Avenue. What made it worse was just after he turned; a traffic police who apparently saw him commit the violation pointed at him and motioned him to pull over. Uh-oh.

But the FX driver seemed to be unflustered. He placed his hands on his back languidly – there’s no other way to describe it. And I had the sense of foreboding that this could not be good. True enough, I have another reason to believe that I have psychic ability because the driver did not pull over but sped past the officer. He made a run for it. At this point, I took off my earphones and looked disbelievingly at the driver. You’ve got to be kidding me. He overtook car after car and recklessly swerved in the road to gain distance from the officer who mounted his motorcycle and had started chasing the FX.

I turned to my fellow passengers. Surely, one of them would share my sentiment that this was terribly, terribly wrong. But they seemed to be oblivious to everything. It’s as if they were riding a totally different FX wherein their driver was not snaking his way in full speed along St. Paul road while a traffic police was pathetically trying to keep him in sight. I wonder whether I could have just said that I needed to get off at the nearest corner so I could get off the damned FX and the officer could catch the errant driver. I doubt if that would’ve been a welcome twist to the whole incident, though. For the driver and other passengers.

The chase ended in Meralco Avenue. Mamang Pulis was unable to catch up and was lost somewhere in the turns and Manong Driver even got off the vehicle and looked around during a stop sign to make sure that he was clear. I got off two blocks later. Thankful that I need not be part of that horrific ride anymore.

And that was not the end of my horror commute for the day. On my way home, a pair of men was occupying the front seat of the FX. They were loud and annoying and arrogant. Everyone was forced to hear their conversation. One of them works at a construction project and told his friend of how he miscalculated and cut a cable five meters short than expected. He then continued how he and his coworkers skillfully take supplies from the construction project. They do it regularly and with organization. No remorse whatsoever! They were robbing their employers and they were proud of it because they do it so well! And I thought to myself, an incompetent and a thief. Perfect. Employee of the year.

Not to be outdone, the FX driver displayed his own alarming behavior. He opened his cellphone inbox while waiting for traffic to move (not a very good thing to do, for starters) and made an angry call after reading a message (worse thing).

Here’s how the driver’s phone conversation went almost verbatim (worst thing). Imagine him talking in a VERY loud and angry voice, enough to overpower the incompetent thief in the front seat.

“Di ba sinabi ko sayo na itapon mo na yan?! (Pause) Di mo pa tinatapon? Anak ng tinapay! (Pause) Pagdating ko dyan, wala na dapat yan! (Pause) Anong takot-takot? Sinasasabi ko sa iyo itapon mo na yan!” End call.

Images of a dead body being disposed played in my head. And can you blame me? How else can you interpret that? I discreetly paid my fare to the driver and kept a low profile. Heck, he could be a homicidal maniac, for all I know! Whenever he cursed at a red light or at a slow car in front of him didn’t help in dissuading me otherwise.

Public commuting is such an adventure. Horror adventure.

Tick tock

It had begun almost imperceptibly. It had been a long day. A very long night. And it could have been just another sound in my head - mingling with the other commotion of a whole day of continuous keystrokes and mouse clicks, frustrating dead-end investigations in front of Google and Wikipedia, all the excitement in the life of a programmer.

Inside that cab on my way home, I was looking forward to lying in my bed and finally get some sleep. Admittedly, it would only be for a few hours as I had to be back in the office early the next day – later that morning. But then the ticking started.

Tick-tock, tick-tock. Tick-tock, tick-tock.

At first I dismissed it and continued to rest my head against the window to look out the state of Ortigas Avenue at past midnight. It’s very different from the Ortigas Avenue during rush hour. I wouldn’t say more peaceful. There’s always something creepy about urban streets late at night.

It pressed on, the ticking sound. It seemed the more I ignored it, the more persistent it became. Just like in that Edgar Allan Poe short story, The Tell-Tale Heart. I looked around, expecting to find a clock under the backseat or something. None there. I craned my head to check the dashboard thinking maybe it was the cab driver’s cellphone with a weird ringtone, but he glanced back at me, apparently thinking it was my phone making the sound. At least, I confirmed at that point that the sound did not exist only in my head.

And with the ticking sound as a faint background and all sleepiness wiped out from me, my imagination let itself loose, as it is wont to do. What if the ticking sound was from a bomb placed in the trunk of the cab? What if it was about to blow up at any moment? I sat up a little straighter. I had officially freaked myself out.

I must admit, I was scared as hell. Or of hell, if you want be to be more specific. Most people don’t deal with the idea of afterlife until – well, until they have to. I guess John Mayer was onto something when he wrote, “I am invincible as long as I’m alive.” In my head, I said a frantic prayer. These days, it seems that’s all the kind of prayer I get to pray. Frantic. And trust me, I’m not too proud of it, either.

And my morbidity kicked in because my other concern was that if my cadaver would be recognizable to my family. But of course I’d be blown up to pieces and the only way to identify me was through my ID. And the John Mayer soundtrack persisted in my head, “… should’ve smiled in that picture… it’s the last thing I’ll see of you.”

Sunday, March 09, 2008

“Mabait ba Diyos mo?”

EJ asked me this question out of nowhere during one of our usual afternoon conversation breaks from work. We were talking about some inconsequential thing, as we often do. Maybe something about my awkward Tagalog – a source of amusement for him. Or maybe he was feigning inaudibility and just asking me to repeat something I said at least three times, just for the heck of it.

Whatever nonsense we were talking about, I certainly wasn’t expecting him to segue into the sudden theological question.

“Diyos ko? Bakit, iba ba Diyos natin?” I had to ask. I was under the impression there was only one God. For everyone. But he said yes. My God. Or more specifically, my concept of how God is like.

Is He a God who asks me to confess to priests? To have my forehead smeared with ash on a certain Wednesday? To fast during lent? To be afraid of a hell in the afterlife?

Hmm.

While we exchanged our thoughts on these questions, we got around to talking about doctrine, salvation, sacrifice, the church.

EJ’s God, he says, is a forgiving God - a God whom he can talk freely without the memorized prayers. His God is not impressed with outward display of religiosity. And most importantly, EJ’s God will not allow His beloved children to end up in a fiery hell.

It was a long time since I had a conversation about faith. The last time was with two of my other closest friends: with Luz during our Los Baños overnight trip and with Gary while we were rowing a boat in Kalaw. Although, come to think of it, over pizza just this weekend, we talked about the fragility of life and the overwhelming question of what happens after this. All this.

I don’t write about it this often because admittedly, it’s a very touchy topic for most. But I have friends who have different beliefs. Or non-beliefs. (Rye, Tim – I know you’re out there somewhere) And although there must only be one truth out there, each of us has our own ways of finding out what that truth is. What comforts me is that they share with me the uncertainties of… well, everything. Some people would claim that they got it down. Solved. Really, really, really got it. With my friends, I know that we may have different view on things and we may not even know what we really want to believe in yet, but it’s ok. It’s really just ok.

And even for that, alam ko, mabait ang Diyos ko.

Thursday, March 06, 2008

Of Tonsillitis and Projects

At the risk of ostracizing my non-Azeus and non-IT readers, do allow me to write about my work for just a bit. I’m home sick right now with very annoying inflamed tonsils and a slight temperature. I would have wanted to read one of the books in my pending stack but I can’t get off my worries over work just yet.

I’m part of three projects right now. With PONICS, I just do mostly ad hoc stuff. I am just the spectator when Blas bullies Jerome, in jest of course - I hope. CSIS, which I am supposedly coordinating, is just made up of me, Aldwin – our software test engineer, and Marco, our newbie dev. It’s an old project and most of the time, we are in a constant guessing game – trying to figure out what exactly goes on, but we only have each other to rely on. As Aldwin succinctly put it once, “A duling leading a blind leads them to a pit.”

And of course, COMIS, my first project with the company. My teammates and I consider it our “sanity” project. No matter how crazy things become, we always welcome COMIS tasks because it keeps us sane. The camaraderie in our team is widely known, even by the senior management. We still keep in touch with old teammates who have resigned, like Aimee and Patrick. In fact, Patrick once dropped by the office just to catch up with us. Afterwards, he texted us that he’s been feeling down at his job and he only felt better only after seeing us again. (All together now, “Aww…”)

An offshoot of that team is COMIcS, friendships forged through sleepless working nights spent at the office; our energy on coding and testing were fuelled by Starbucks coffee in our bloodstreams. That was the time when we all go home still with yesterday’s clothes on when normal people are on their way to work. Sleep for a few hours at home and then go back to work again. Imagine doing this for a couple months.

Hmm, I’m not sure if I was allowed to divulge what my projects are. I honestly don’t remember the contents of the confidentiality paper I signed almost three years ago. I could always claim that I did not have the mental faculty to recognize what I was doing. On account of my tonsils. And fever. Right.

While our housekeeper heads to town to buy my antibiotics (yeah, that’s how far we are from civilization), my mother pushes two glasses into my face. One with salted lukewarm water and the other malunggay tea. Gargle with one, drink the other.

Gargling the salted water just reminded me of beaches in Surigao where we used to go as kids. And all those times I accidentally ingested seawater whenever we play the game of finding the tossed coin. I terribly, terribly want to go back and visit this year. Beaches just a trike ride away. My amusing nieces and nephews. And the food! Fresh seafood. Sinugba. Chicken barbecue by the pier. *Sigh* Anyone else wants to go to Surigao?

Anyway, the malunggay tea didn’t remind me of anything. It just made me squirm in distaste.